I can see the light. It is in the distance but so much closer than it was before. Life as always is a series of stories. The good and the bad. Sometimes it seems the bad stories are all you can see, but just underneath is the beauty of all life. It began with an overwhelming loss. It spiraled so many of us into a depth we have been climbing out of for almost 6 years now.
So many underlying events that tend to be swept away and not faced. The day a person you would give your life for comes and admits they are in trouble and need help is the epitome of joy and despair. It is also the day the rollercoaster of emotions goes off the rail. You don't know how from one day to the next you will get through it all.
I hate that addiction is such a taboo, no one ever wants to talk about it. So many are saddled with it. The ones that function, the ones that can't and the ones that never make it out. Those of us in the fight for the life of a person we love. The person struggling to just stay alive. I know so many that have been here and are still here. We are here, living this everyday. Waiting for the other shoe to drop the terror of losing that person, or the joy that they have found some love for themselves and life.
I can only talk from my side, the feelings and desperation as a mom I have felt. I have seen my husband cry, not something that happens. We have had the same despair, the not being able to fix it, grief that we have failed as parents, I feel this everyday. We, as I am sure all, love our kids beyond measure, want them to succeed and be their true selves. Our deepest wish is that they know how much we will do for them, and that we will never give up. I know during this time they have each seen and felt that love.
I could go on and on about the feelings of watching someone you love go down that road that can only bring them that much closer to death. Not being able to stop it, having to deal with their anger and their sadness. Knowing deep in there is the person you love if only they can pull themselves back into this living world. I have a depth of words and thoughts, the darkest of moments when you can feel them slipping away. Those are the days you hold on and dream of all the golden moments.
I have learned in the last six months to once again embrace the small victories. To see the joy that is coming back like the beginning of spring. The sprouting of the person that was once there and has been hidden for so long. The tools that have been developed to deal with the unfairness of this lifetime. The everyday struggle to not give in, the strength and willpower it takes to make it through each day.
The joy in the everyday moments of siblings laughing together. Brothers hanging out and talking of their everyday lives. Seeing my granddaughter laugh and tickle her aunt and uncle and especially her grandpa. Projects being started, joy in the work. These moments are the ones I hang on to like the last drop of water. Each day has become brighter even though these are the darkest days of the year. They say that mothers are only as happy as their unhappiest of children. This is a true statement. I can say today that I feel happiness that I have not seen in a very long time.
No one may ever read this but I put this out there for myself. I will come back and revisit these words when I think life is hard. I hope someday those dark days have faded and we will need these words to remember the times and appreciate all the good that has become of our lives. I know there is always a brightness in our deepest dark, dimly in the distance but hold on and we will get back to it.
