My baby is having a baby!

My first born baby had a baby this week. I am so proud of you both, you are going to be amazing parents. I want you to know this is going to be the most wonderful, beautiful, hardest thing you have ever done in your life. Here are a few thoughts I would like you to remember and things I wish I had known as a new parent.

You can never, ever hold a baby too much. I don't care what anyone else says, that is not spoiling your child, they need that touch. As you hold them drink in those moments, they only last for a short time then they are off and running and no longer needing all that cuddle time.

Being a parent is the single hardest job you will ever have. It is also the best thing you will ever experience. It is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever accomplished. I hope that you will find it so too.

Enjoy every single moment, the good the bad and the stinky. You can't get them back, and the old cliche that you will miss it when it is gone is never more relevant then when you are a parent. It is hard to not wish the difficult times away, but they will be what make the joyous times worth it. You will find laughter in all those things later that you thought were so terrible. They are memories you will have for a lifetime.

You have never known a love like the one you are about to experience. It is overwhelming, and will be the best and most terrifying feelings you have ever had. Be sure to enjoy the feelings and know that you will be her whole world just as she will be yours now.

Patience is the key, hard to come by but worth the effort. When you feel your frustration building, take a step back. Regroup and then come back into the moment. Believe me when I say I wish I had followed this rule with you. You will lead by example and it is an important one.

Girls rebel with their voices, boys with actions. So when she is hitting the teen years, remember her mouth is her rebellion, though it may hurt it is all a part of growing up.

The best advice your Grandma Darlene gave me I am passing on to you: Take what you liked about our parenting skills, change the things you didn't like. Do a better job then your dad and I did, we could have done some things differently in hindsight. Saying that I also want you to know that I couldn't be more proud of each of my kids and the adults they have become.

Accept help, from others and each other (this is really a mom issue more then a dad one). Remember just because your spouse doesn't do it the exact way you like they are trying and doing the best they can. Walk away and allow them to do it sometimes. Try not to put your expectations on to them, especially during the early times, it is hard but will make life much easier. As a parent we sometimes expect ourselves to be perfect, no mistakes. That is not how life works, it is the mistakes that create the learning moments. Be kind to yourself, in showing yourself kindness you will be better able to live in the moments.

Lack of sleep and frustration are all parts of new babies. Sleep when they sleep. Don't take your frustration out on each other. Try to remember all the things you love about each other during the sleepless nights.

Say I love you all the time. I know my kids might have thought it was overboard, but the one thing I will always know is that you will never doubt how loved you are. I think it is the greatest gift. During their best and worst moments that will be in their hearts. They will fail sometimes, it is hard to let that happen but necessary. Even in failing they will have the knowledge that they are always loved.

Keep your expectations realistic for you and for the kids. It is okay to set them high, but if they are not always met and you are doing your best then that is all you need. Try not to worry what others think, you are most important and doing what is best for you and your kids is the one thing you have control over.

Just know there are always parenting rules that change. The best rule is common sense, you both have it so I am not worried. Follow your heart and instincts.It is scary to be that decision maker for these tiny people but it is also so exciting to watch that tiny person grow.

Beyond it all just take in each and every small thing. Document everything you can! I thought I would always remember but that is not always true. Enjoy the love and the new beginnings your family is experiencing. It is going to be the most exciting time of your lives!

Your dad and I are so happy to be Grandparents and watch you become parents. I love you all more then I can ever say. Welcome to our loving, fun, but sometimes crazy family Amaya!

Year of first - Bubba

This is a year of first for our family, the very worst kind and then the very best kind. Every family gathering is a reminder that we are missing one of our pieces. Our Bub is no longer with us in life but never away from our hearts. We miss him more then we could ever express in words. We will also be blessed to welcome a new baby in November, so close to our Bubba’s birthday. We know it will be a girl Amaya Davis. We will welcome the joy and happiness Amaya will bring to soothe us during these days that are so discolored.

Slowly we each are working through the grief.  There are many different levels of grief to process. The anger level is terrible. I know everything is a first. It is beyond painful to me, knowing this means it is so much more for Bubba’s parents. I see the pain each time I look into their eyes. You think you know what soul wrenching sadness is, but I can tell you I had no clue until we lost a child of our hearts. I thought I could sympathize with others that have lost children, but until you are that person you can never know the depths of that sadness that permeates every part of your life.

I try not to hate (such a strong word but during grief it seems to fit) those that continue to cheat death while not living up to their potential. I know we each have to make our own choices in life. Never more than in this situation does the saying “Life is not fair” apply.  Each new memory we create that does not include Bubba hurts but is also a little salve to our souls. Knowing that life does go on DOES NOT make it better. Being able to talk about Bubba even if I cry the whole time is what makes it less painful. I want to be able to talk and remember all the good things he brought to us.

Every holiday and family vacation hurts my family. People might not know our family dynamics, we think of each of the kids in our family as our own. When they say it takes a village to raise kids we take this literally. Bubba in name was my nephew but in my heart and that of all my siblings he was equal to our own child. Losing him is like losing a piece of my heart that will never come back.

We are all so intertwined with all our memories. Our time will now always be the before and after Bubba memories. I hope that each time it will be less painful, but I can tell you just from our annual Curlew trip not yet. We are making new memories but I don’t want the old ones to leave. I want to be able to talk about Bubba, laugh about all the funny things he did. I don’t want his laughter to ever leave.

I understand that it is painful for my brother to be with us. We spend all of our time together; this just brings on the sadness of losing Bubba. I think there are so many great things about being a close knit family, we love so deeply. Yet that same love and closeness also brings the pain of loss each time we are together.

I hope that after our year of firsts we can reclaim our family happiness and be together. Sometimes time apart is not a bad thing, we each have to heal in our own unique way. I just pray that we can make it through with our hearts patched. Mine will always have that Bubba spot that is slightly painful but full of love and his laughter.