This is a year of first for our family, the very worst kind
and then the very best kind. Every family gathering is a reminder that we are
missing one of our pieces. Our Bub is no longer with us in life but never away
from our hearts. We miss him more then we could ever express in words. We will
also be blessed to welcome a new baby in November, so close to our Bubba’s
birthday. We know it will be a girl Amaya Davis. We will welcome the joy and
happiness Amaya will bring to soothe us during these days that are so
discolored.
Slowly we each are working through the grief. There are many different levels of grief to process. The anger level is terrible. I know everything is a first. It is beyond painful to me, knowing this means it is so much more for Bubba’s parents. I see the pain each time I look into their eyes. You think you know what soul wrenching sadness is, but I can tell you I had no clue until we lost a child of our hearts. I thought I could sympathize with others that have lost children, but until you are that person you can never know the depths of that sadness that permeates every part of your life.
I try not to hate (such a strong word but during grief it seems to fit) those that continue to cheat death while not living up to their potential. I know we each have to make our own choices in life. Never more than in this situation does the saying “Life is not fair” apply. Each new memory we create that does not include Bubba hurts but is also a little salve to our souls. Knowing that life does go on DOES NOT make it better. Being able to talk about Bubba even if I cry the whole time is what makes it less painful. I want to be able to talk and remember all the good things he brought to us.
Every holiday and family vacation hurts my family. People might not know our family dynamics, we think of each of the kids in our family as our own. When they say it takes a village to raise kids we take this literally. Bubba in name was my nephew but in my heart and that of all my siblings he was equal to our own child. Losing him is like losing a piece of my heart that will never come back.
We are all so intertwined with all our memories. Our time will now always be the before and after Bubba memories. I hope that each time it will be less painful, but I can tell you just from our annual Curlew trip not yet. We are making new memories but I don’t want the old ones to leave. I want to be able to talk about Bubba, laugh about all the funny things he did. I don’t want his laughter to ever leave.
I understand that it is painful for my brother to be with us. We spend all of our time together; this just brings on the sadness of losing Bubba. I think there are so many great things about being a close knit family, we love so deeply. Yet that same love and closeness also brings the pain of loss each time we are together.
I hope that after our year of firsts we can reclaim our family happiness and be together. Sometimes time apart is not a bad thing, we each have to heal in our own unique way. I just pray that we can make it through with our hearts patched. Mine will always have that Bubba spot that is slightly painful but full of love and his laughter.
