This  is a wild and crazy time we are in. I am having a bit of PTSD and I can only imagine how many are in the same position.  And unless you have been a victim of any sort of sexual abuse I would like you to sit back and just say please prosecute every single person. It is not your right to question one word those victims say. FUCK YOU IF YOU QUESTION A CHILDS ABUSE.

I don't talk about it with anyone but my sister really, but we  have a history in our family of sexual abuse by an uncle. I didn't tell, I played it down, I wanted to be the good girl and  not be bad. I didn't want them to think I did anything wrong.  I did my best to protect my sister, it wasn't good enough, of course it wasn't, I was a child.. To put it bluntly my uncle touched me sexually starting at the age of 12 and would have done a lot more if my dog was not in my bed with me. He did it for a few years, he was a truck driver that came and stayed at our home on his travels. He stayed in the basement where my bedroom was. He was the person everybody loved, he was funny loud, made everyone laugh. No one wants to believes he did it. No that is NOT TRUE, when I finally told my parents in my 40;s they cried and did believe me. I can say there are plenty that did not and still do not. 

He was very good at keeping all of his victims quiet. He told me that if  I said anything no one would believe me, my parents wouldn't. They would hate him. My grandparents wouldn't talk to me ever again. I would never see my cousins, our family vacations would be over. He told me that everyone would hate me for breaking up our family. I believed him, our family was so close, we spent every summer vacation together, I was already a pre-teen that had low confidence. He said so many things about my body, how it was my fault, I didn't have a bra on, I was teasing him. So many other things that that I will never repeat but that replay in my head.  The things he said and used to make it okay were that he was lonely on the road, He told me it was not hurting anyone by touching. He would corner you whenever he could. The scariest was night time when he would come in to my room and sit on my bed. He only did it a few times because my dog Gretchen hated him, she was such a spicy girl, she put herself between us and she almost bit him. After that he finally stopped coming into my room, he didn't stop cornering me or making me sit on his lap any chance he could.

When I was old enough to be angry, he was moving on. I was able to avoid him. I also had a talk with my younger siblings. I told my brothers to  never leave our sister with my uncle. I should have went to my parents, but he still lived in my head with all the threats. He still assured me that everyone would hate me and I would ruin our whole family, I am forever sorry that I didn't just try and burn it to the ground then, because as I am sure you can guess he was still getting girls to sit on his lap when my sister was at that age. Luckily she was aware not that it saved her everything. 

The good thing is that my daughter never met that person, not once was she ever in his presence. My husband knows, not everything of course, I didn't want him to kill that person, he know the gist of what happened and that is enough. I can say our generation is one that is much more aware and open to talking about it with our children. I hope each generation is even more open. I  hope we can end this disgusting power, that we can heal some of the trauma that has been done.

First we must prosecute all those in power! FUCK THEM! They are disgusting and if you are protecting them you are disgusting. 

 

Life and living, not always the same thing

I can see the light. It is in the distance but so much closer than it was before. Life as always is a series of stories. The good and the bad. Sometimes it seems the bad stories are all you can see, but just underneath is the beauty of all life. It began with an overwhelming loss. It spiraled so many of us into a depth we have been climbing out of for almost 6 years now.

So many underlying events that tend to be swept away and not faced. The day a person you would give your life for comes and admits they are in trouble and need help is the epitome of joy and despair. It is also the day the rollercoaster of emotions goes off the rail. You don't know how from one day to the next you will get through it all. 

I hate that addiction is such a taboo, no one ever wants to talk about it. So many are saddled with it. The ones that function, the ones that can't and the ones that never make it out. Those of us in the fight for the life of a person we love. The person struggling to just stay alive. I know so many that have been here and are still here. We are here, living this everyday. Waiting for the other shoe to drop the terror of losing that person, or the joy that they have found some love for themselves and life. 

I can only talk from my side, the feelings and desperation as a mom I have felt. I have seen my husband cry, not something that happens. We have had the same despair, the not being able to fix it, grief that we have failed as parents, I feel this everyday. We, as I am sure all, love our kids beyond measure, want them to succeed and be their true selves. Our deepest wish  is that they know how much we will do for them, and that we will never give up. I know during this time they have each seen and felt that love.

I could go on and on about the feelings of watching someone you love go down that road that can only bring them that much closer to death. Not being able to stop it, having to deal with their anger and their sadness. Knowing deep in there is the person you love if only they can pull themselves back into this living world. I have a depth of words and thoughts, the darkest of moments when you can feel them slipping away. Those are the days you hold on and dream of all the golden moments. 

I have learned in the last six months to once again embrace the small victories. To see the joy that is coming back like the beginning of spring. The sprouting of the person that was once there and has been hidden for so long. The tools that have been developed to deal with the unfairness of this lifetime. The everyday struggle to not give in, the strength and willpower it takes to make it through each day.

The joy in the everyday moments of siblings laughing together. Brothers hanging out and talking of their everyday lives. Seeing my granddaughter laugh and tickle her aunt and uncle and especially her grandpa. Projects being started, joy in the work. These moments are the ones I hang on to like the last drop of water. Each day has become brighter even though these are the darkest days of the year. They say that mothers are only as happy as their unhappiest of children. This is a true statement. I can say today that I feel happiness that I have not seen in a very long time. 

No one may ever read this but I put this out there for myself. I will come back and revisit these words when I think life is hard. I hope someday those dark days have faded and we will need these words to remember the times and appreciate all the good that  has become of our lives. I know there is always a brightness in our deepest dark, dimly in the distance but hold on and we will get back to it. 

  

Sister, best friend, therapist

 This month we celebrate my baby sister. The one I carried around like my baby doll, who from an early age was the boss of us all. I practiced all my parenting skills on Kim and Troy before I ever thought of being a mom. 

To those who might not know Kim (hard to believe there is anyone who doesn’t know her!) let me tell you what we all know. She is the very best person you will ever meet. Her love, personality, and giving nature are bigger than words can say. If there is something that needs to be done she is the first one there, rallying us all. The gift of service and volunteerism is a treasure our parents have passed down. Kim gives this gift freely and lovingly. 

Our childhood was made up of amazing times, summers of camping and holidays with our beloved Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was also all the arguments, fights and normal sibling things. The one thing we always knew was that we could count on each other. Loyalty to the end, then and now. 

I am forever thankful for my sister, best friend and therapist. We have had ups and downs, the best laughter and river of tears. The last four years we have lived with a grief so deep it was hard to see the surface. Grief that felt as if we were being held under a pressing amount of blankets, suffocating. Each year a few blankets have been lifted, the surface is in sight. Everyday we talk, some days about Austin, every single day about our kids. Parenting is hard, having Kim to talk me off the ledge on days I am failing is what makes sense out of nonsense. My doctor once asked if I would like a referral for a therapist, I told her I had one, my sister. 

Kim is my childrens other mother, the first person to offer comfort, the most honest person you will ever meet (and if you don’t want the answer don’t ask her the question!). Our family is a village and so many days she is the strength. I am forever grateful for the gift of my siblings, especially my best sister friend. My wish for everyone is that they have a Kim in their lives. 

Now let’s celebrate!!

To all the fathers we love

So many Dads so little appreciation some days. Sometimes I feel dads are forgotten the rest of the year. They are so often the behind the scenes, hard working, making things happen people.  I am so grateful to love many. Especially thankful for the very best, my dad. Also for my husband who is the best dad my kids could have, and seeing my son as a dad now. Nothing is better than that.

Our dad has always been the hardest working person I know. He set a standard for work ethic. I see the same drive in my husband and kids.  Some may not know him well but he has the biggest heart and outpouring of love for everyone. Once he knows you, he hugs you so be prepared. 

Growing up with my dad he taught us so much. How to water ski (me, all my siblings, most of my cousins and many friends!), drive a boat, fish, draw, ride a bike, check the oil in my car, swim, to drive fast and my love of muscle cars. He showed us that he was willing to do most anything. Change the engine in an my car, re-fiberglass and reupholster a whole boat. Fix anything, and if he couldn’t he would find someone who could.

The most important thing he gave me are expectations on my relationship and what I wanted in a marriage. As in everything we should choose what we want from our parents examples for our own lives and leave what we don’t. If you know nothing else, let me tell you there has never been a doubt that my dad loves my mom, all of his children, and by children I mean both birth and those that are choosen, grandchildren and great grandchildren. He set an example of the love I wanted in my marriage. So many of his attributes that I love I see in Darrel. 

Dad is a prankster, I see his sense of humor in my boys. So many times he has made us laugh. One summer at Curlew he and my Uncle Duane thought it was hilarious to sink my cousin Diane and I. My Uncle Duane circled our raft in the boat while my dad was water skiing. My dad could throw the biggest rooster tail while slalom skiing. Filled our boat and we ended up swimming back. Many a summer someone would not get off the dock quick enough before dad came by and drenched them. If he and one of my uncles ask you to drive them bass fishing, just say NO! I tried one summer with him and Uncle Leroy and they caught way more trees than fish that trip, they thought it was hilarious. 

My parents have shown us what unconditional love is. They have shown us a deep faith in god, my dad was baptized into the Catholic faith after I was born. There is never a doubt how deeply he believes. Their example shines bright for so very many. Always willing to help others. 

Thank you dad for always being there, for loving us during the good and not so great times. You mean so much to us and we are forever grateful of the example you have given us to live by. 

Happy Father’s Day to all the amazing dads,especially mine,  your example shines on in all the kids that you have loved.

A Mother’s love

 Mother’s Day is this weekend, it’s always a challenge to come up with a creative gift. This year I thought I would write my mom a love note for all the gifts of love she has given us.

Have you met my mom? If not you should make it your mission. There is not another person I know that loves as big as she does. My mom and dad are the foundation we are built on. The ones that accept everyone as family.

Growing up they showed us family was first. From the beginning our camping tradition started with my moms parents and siblings and all our cousins. Each year we go to the same campground with 20-40 of our family and friends that have become family. It is what we all look forward to every summer.

As a child your mom is everything. My mom showed me strenghth in adversity, loyalty, compassion and never ending love. My parents gave us a work ethic that we each emulate in our own ways. I see it in my children everyday.

Mom showed us how to stand up to bullies. She has the kindest heart until you hurt her children. There was more than one nun that encountered my moms anger. Sister Ruth did not learn from the first time she took my mom on when I was in third grade. I was a highly emotional, cry at the drop of a hat girl. Sister Ruth threatened to make me wear a sign saying I was a cry baby, I am sure she regretted it after my mom yelled at her. I will never forget standing outside that door hearing my mom stand up for me. I always knew she would take on anyone from then on. Nine years later my sister who is left handed had Sister Ruth, again Sister Ruth brought the wrath of Darlene on herself by insisting Kim use her right hand. As I am sure you can guess Kim is still a lefty. I have never forgotten that lesson. As a parent I have found the strength when I have doubted myself to stand up for my children.

My mom leads by example. She is always volunteering, helping out, and giving freely of her time. She taught us the values we carry now and cherish. Being an introvert it was a huge struggle to put myself out to volunteer at the kids school. My mom said if you don’t do it who will? I am so glad I did it. I treasure the times I spent watching all the kids through the years.

 Mom was always making sure we knew that we were equal in her heart. She loved her parents deeply and shared that with each of us. The value of a grandparents love is above measure. I still miss all my grandparents. Being a grandparent now is more words than I  can describe, joyuous wonder in every moment. Seeing my mom with her great granddaughter is the memories you lock in your heart forever. Hearing Amaya say  to my mom “love you GiGi” is heart melting.

My love of sports is from my mom. She loves all sports, gave us each the opportunity to try out many. She drove us to sports practices, games and recitals, so many you can never count them all. She took us to sporting events when she could. I remember the Sonics games. She is always at every game of every child or grandchild she can make. There to cheer everyone on and let them know they are loved. 

My favorite life advice my mom gave me is, change what you don’t like that my parents did, and keep what you do like, and always try to do better. I say this often to my kids. My mom and dad have shown us that marriage is hard, it takes lots of hard work, and is a choice you make everyday. 

Growing up my dad worked hard and many hours to support us. My mom was known to take four kids plus some cousins on road trips, camping trips, drive in movies in the camper, or just across the mountains to stay with our grandparents. Kim and I recognize this is why we have been willing to do this so often ourselves as our kids grew up. Taking adventures in a car full of kids is more fun than you can imagine, some of the best memories made. We have laughed and possibly cried through many miles, mountains and states. Our family joke for many years was calling mom Whiplash Wilma after her speeding ticket across the mountains. 

Thank you mom for the love, memories, and best friends/siblings anyone could dream of. We may fight loudly but under it we love deeply. All because you and dad are our parents. Through life, death, tragedy, the greatest moments, and the deepest sadness you have always been the people we knew we could depend upon. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women that have raised children, that give all for the children they love. Especially to our mom, who puts up with all the crazy kids in her life! Celebrate with love and joy! 

My baby is having a baby!

My first born baby had a baby this week. I am so proud of you both, you are going to be amazing parents. I want you to know this is going to be the most wonderful, beautiful, hardest thing you have ever done in your life. Here are a few thoughts I would like you to remember and things I wish I had known as a new parent.

You can never, ever hold a baby too much. I don't care what anyone else says, that is not spoiling your child, they need that touch. As you hold them drink in those moments, they only last for a short time then they are off and running and no longer needing all that cuddle time.

Being a parent is the single hardest job you will ever have. It is also the best thing you will ever experience. It is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever accomplished. I hope that you will find it so too.

Enjoy every single moment, the good the bad and the stinky. You can't get them back, and the old cliche that you will miss it when it is gone is never more relevant then when you are a parent. It is hard to not wish the difficult times away, but they will be what make the joyous times worth it. You will find laughter in all those things later that you thought were so terrible. They are memories you will have for a lifetime.

You have never known a love like the one you are about to experience. It is overwhelming, and will be the best and most terrifying feelings you have ever had. Be sure to enjoy the feelings and know that you will be her whole world just as she will be yours now.

Patience is the key, hard to come by but worth the effort. When you feel your frustration building, take a step back. Regroup and then come back into the moment. Believe me when I say I wish I had followed this rule with you. You will lead by example and it is an important one.

Girls rebel with their voices, boys with actions. So when she is hitting the teen years, remember her mouth is her rebellion, though it may hurt it is all a part of growing up.

The best advice your Grandma Darlene gave me I am passing on to you: Take what you liked about our parenting skills, change the things you didn't like. Do a better job then your dad and I did, we could have done some things differently in hindsight. Saying that I also want you to know that I couldn't be more proud of each of my kids and the adults they have become.

Accept help, from others and each other (this is really a mom issue more then a dad one). Remember just because your spouse doesn't do it the exact way you like they are trying and doing the best they can. Walk away and allow them to do it sometimes. Try not to put your expectations on to them, especially during the early times, it is hard but will make life much easier. As a parent we sometimes expect ourselves to be perfect, no mistakes. That is not how life works, it is the mistakes that create the learning moments. Be kind to yourself, in showing yourself kindness you will be better able to live in the moments.

Lack of sleep and frustration are all parts of new babies. Sleep when they sleep. Don't take your frustration out on each other. Try to remember all the things you love about each other during the sleepless nights.

Say I love you all the time. I know my kids might have thought it was overboard, but the one thing I will always know is that you will never doubt how loved you are. I think it is the greatest gift. During their best and worst moments that will be in their hearts. They will fail sometimes, it is hard to let that happen but necessary. Even in failing they will have the knowledge that they are always loved.

Keep your expectations realistic for you and for the kids. It is okay to set them high, but if they are not always met and you are doing your best then that is all you need. Try not to worry what others think, you are most important and doing what is best for you and your kids is the one thing you have control over.

Just know there are always parenting rules that change. The best rule is common sense, you both have it so I am not worried. Follow your heart and instincts.It is scary to be that decision maker for these tiny people but it is also so exciting to watch that tiny person grow.

Beyond it all just take in each and every small thing. Document everything you can! I thought I would always remember but that is not always true. Enjoy the love and the new beginnings your family is experiencing. It is going to be the most exciting time of your lives!

Your dad and I are so happy to be Grandparents and watch you become parents. I love you all more then I can ever say. Welcome to our loving, fun, but sometimes crazy family Amaya!

Year of first - Bubba

This is a year of first for our family, the very worst kind and then the very best kind. Every family gathering is a reminder that we are missing one of our pieces. Our Bub is no longer with us in life but never away from our hearts. We miss him more then we could ever express in words. We will also be blessed to welcome a new baby in November, so close to our Bubba’s birthday. We know it will be a girl Amaya Davis. We will welcome the joy and happiness Amaya will bring to soothe us during these days that are so discolored.

Slowly we each are working through the grief.  There are many different levels of grief to process. The anger level is terrible. I know everything is a first. It is beyond painful to me, knowing this means it is so much more for Bubba’s parents. I see the pain each time I look into their eyes. You think you know what soul wrenching sadness is, but I can tell you I had no clue until we lost a child of our hearts. I thought I could sympathize with others that have lost children, but until you are that person you can never know the depths of that sadness that permeates every part of your life.

I try not to hate (such a strong word but during grief it seems to fit) those that continue to cheat death while not living up to their potential. I know we each have to make our own choices in life. Never more than in this situation does the saying “Life is not fair” apply.  Each new memory we create that does not include Bubba hurts but is also a little salve to our souls. Knowing that life does go on DOES NOT make it better. Being able to talk about Bubba even if I cry the whole time is what makes it less painful. I want to be able to talk and remember all the good things he brought to us.

Every holiday and family vacation hurts my family. People might not know our family dynamics, we think of each of the kids in our family as our own. When they say it takes a village to raise kids we take this literally. Bubba in name was my nephew but in my heart and that of all my siblings he was equal to our own child. Losing him is like losing a piece of my heart that will never come back.

We are all so intertwined with all our memories. Our time will now always be the before and after Bubba memories. I hope that each time it will be less painful, but I can tell you just from our annual Curlew trip not yet. We are making new memories but I don’t want the old ones to leave. I want to be able to talk about Bubba, laugh about all the funny things he did. I don’t want his laughter to ever leave.

I understand that it is painful for my brother to be with us. We spend all of our time together; this just brings on the sadness of losing Bubba. I think there are so many great things about being a close knit family, we love so deeply. Yet that same love and closeness also brings the pain of loss each time we are together.

I hope that after our year of firsts we can reclaim our family happiness and be together. Sometimes time apart is not a bad thing, we each have to heal in our own unique way. I just pray that we can make it through with our hearts patched. Mine will always have that Bubba spot that is slightly painful but full of love and his laughter.